Anything to escape focusing on my deep pain within. I was running from myself continually.
The pain frequently surfaced as time progressed but I'd just push it down harder.
I did not realise then the further damage I was doing to myself and intensifying my pain. All I knew is that I could not bring myself to fully feel it without making it go away.
It was too much, consuming and once I began to feel and grieve for everything, I feared I would never stop.

So numbing it out became the way to cope, as damaging as it was, it worked to an extent which is one of the reasons an addict.continues to use their methods. It does half solve their problem.

Getting to the day when I was able to trust myself enough to let go and fully feel was the turning point of recovery. Then with guidance, I had to keep on feeling and work through my intense built up pain. Grieve for all I had lost and then eventually I was able to let in good feelings and gradually I felt more happiness than sadness.

It can always be tempting to numb painful things out but now I'm knowing and wont hurt myself deliberately.
If anyone reading this is numbing out their pain, I urge you to get some help. Talk to someone you trust and know that you can confidentially reach out to me.