Oct 7

Empty Nest Syndrome

I wrote in detail the mother’s bittersweet pain of “empty nest syndrome” in my latest book.

No-one or nothing can prepare you for bringing a child into the world but I’ve found it exactly the same for when they leave. Just when I think I’m okay and composed and feeling strong and myself again the waves come back to crush me with the sense of confusion, sadness and joy all mingled into one.

I guess being a single mum of one makes it more intense as does being highly sensitive and even more so the journey we have shared in the past 18 months.

Joe said to me yesterday that he feels the best he has for a long time and feels far more confident now in his third year at university. He has a strong sense of who he is becoming and a guide to where he may travel to. My heart leapt with joy at those words and his words are strengthened by his actions and just his whole being. He is different, I feel his strength and zest for life again after suffering from severe anxiety and crippling panic attacks and the exhaustion that comes with withholding that mindset for lengthy periods. He exudes a positive glow and I love to see that smile again.

Part of me found myself thinking “Oh thank god, I didn’t fail him after all” but as soon as those words crept in, I banished them because I slipped right into self-blame and guilt for months on end despite doing everything I possibly could to put it right and make his happiness return.

I always was an A star pupil at self-loathing and self-blame but I quit that shit some time ago, mostly. The pain of seeing your child’s pain brought it back to the surface and the instinct of “it must be my fault because of my past” kicked in. Whilst not advocating self-hatred on any level whatsoever it did give me the drive to improve myself and the big fat mess I found myself in that dragged on for decades. Once I removed lots of those layers I was a freaking force to be reckoned with when it came to being self-motivated and going after my dreams. Feeling I finally deserved joy and to listen to my heart, that I naturally wore on my sleeve but learnt to hide it after it being broken so many times. Not necessarily by men as one may assume but by myself, by close people, by strangers, by the world as I felt it deeply.

So now, as a mum that is immensely proud of her son and of herself for the journey, she has been on I care to share it in a book because if I felt this then you can bet your life thousands of others have too, all around the world and as they resonate and connect to my words, it will help them to feel someone out there knows what that pain they currently feel is like to behold, they are not alone however isolated they may feel. A huge hug with my words to help you to come through and feel your joy once again.

To read more about my journey, that whilst is mine, may very well help you to connect with your own emotions and experiences and to know that’s it’s all going to be well as the happy ending is there, right there, for you to hold, you just may not see it right at this moment and I understand that too. The link is on the bookshop page to my book.


You can read my full story here, from when I was ten years old and what happened to me. I was admitted to a psychiatric unit at fifteen and continued to suffer throughout my adult life with feelings of self-hatred, fear, darkness and not knowing who I was. I used addictions to help me to cope on the outside when the inside was chaotic. I finally found my healing and had a burning desire to share this with the universe to give love, hope and inspiration to others in pain.

Don’t tell me the moon is shining; show me the glint of light on broken glass

Anton Chekhov